Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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