she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
