she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize