I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm sobbing to NWA
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
