I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
