So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
