Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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