Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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