3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
