Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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