I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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