Plan B is the new Plan A
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
