I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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