I love black thongs
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
