I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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