youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Randomize
