just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
