genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
