I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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