I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
