I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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