I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize