Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
