did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
