when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
