i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
