at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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