The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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