Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we're making bets on your personal life
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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