That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
