i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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