Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize