I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
