i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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