Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
