I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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