So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
