So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
