if only i could text you this smell
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
