Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
