Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
