Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i came on her dog
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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