is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
