I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
