He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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