I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
