Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
