he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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