Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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