I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
