She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize