I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
