the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
