Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
