this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize