just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
