haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
