apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
