That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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