O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
