When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
